


with an untrained voice

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Conversations, I could probably tag this more things if I felt like it, Loki's Trust Issues, Loki's a goddamn mess, M/M, Nightmares, Protective Steve, Thor and Steve talk about their Feelings, are basically another character, dear diary Loki has issues, emotions are hard, in other news the pope is Catholic, is it a redemption arc if it's unintentional, no kissing in this one awww :(, the gang's all here, yep still some things don't change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 19:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trajectory of events very seldom goes as planned. Not for Steve. And not for Loki, either. With the latter crash landed in Avengers Tower, the whatever-this-is of Captain America and Loki Laufeyson comes to a crossroads.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with an untrained voice

**Author's Note:**

> All right, folks, this is the official end of the Remember This Cold main story arc. Emphasis on _official._ I have at least one more fic planned in this verse, but fitting into a slightly different story arc, and I don't doubt I'll be coming back to this 'verse a lot more for what is probably the indefinite future. But with this fic, I basically got things to where I wanted them to be when I started this monster however many months ago. 
> 
> This has been a little bit crazy. Crazy and fun, but pretty crazy. The first bit of this series was a oneshot that was never meant to have a continuation. Here I am, roughly fifty-thousand words later. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's come with me on this ride (and especially to those I steered gradually into my personal pet ship :D) If you want to ask me things (or want to leave me prompts), I can be found on tumblr as [veliseraptor.](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com)
> 
> And finally, thank thank thanks to [zaataronpita](http://zaataronpita.tumblr.com), without whom I would never put anything up for other people to see. This entire verse owes a lot to her, and so do I. These are my notes, I'm allowed to be sappy. 
> 
> Without further ado.

Steve did his level best not to hover while Bruce patched Loki back together. He definitely did better than Thor, but that wasn’t saying very much. Thor looked like he was going to plough a ditch in the floor, and kept half turning for the stairs only to stop midway through the motion. Natasha had just barely managed to convince him that Bruce needed space to work, and Steve wasn’t sure how long it was going to last. 

“I’m just going to put in a word for how I’m overall not happy about this,” Tony said, for probably the fourth time. 

“Yeah,” said Clint, not quite snapped. “You’ve said.” Natasha rested a hand on his arm. They weren’t looking at Steve, but it was so brutally obvious that it was almost worse. What were they thinking? He wondered if they’d thought his silence meant he was no longer speaking to Loki. Wondered if Tony had told the others about the dinner. His emotions were a tangle, and if first was worry-

They needed to call SHIELD, let them know. If they didn’t, sooner or later they’d find out, and that would be worse. But SHIELD would want Loki in custody, locked down under guard, and – _Thor won’t allow it,_ he told himself, _and besides, we’re better equipped to deal with him,_ but he had a sinking feeling those were excuses. He didn’t want to put Loki in SHIELD’s hands. He _knew_ they did things he would never condone, and he didn’t think they’d have a lot of qualms about skimping on humane treatment in Loki’s case. And besides – of course he couldn’t _know,_ but it looked like Loki’s luck had run out, and whether this was Doom’s revenge or something else…

He’d said they could arrange something that wasn’t just a four walled cage, if Loki came to them. A long time ago, sure, but he’d still said it. And he had come, whatever the circumstances. 

_Of course,_ a small but brutally practical part of his mind supplied, _it won’t matter if he doesn’t survive. He buried the thought._

“Hey, Cap,” Tony said suddenly, awkwardly. “It’ll be fine. I mean…Asgardians. Bounce like – a really bouncy thing. Nothing keeps ‘em down. Especially Crazy Train over there – is this not helping? Does someone else want to – it’s like looking at a depressed puppy.” Tony’s laugh was a little forced. 

“I’m not going to say anything,” Clint muttered. Steve could almost see him vibrating with tension, and ugly guilt joined the tangle of feelings in his chest.

“You don’t need to…” Steve grimaced. “It’s fine.” He pushed down faint, irrational frustration that they didn’t _get_ it. How would they, he reminded himself, Loki wasn’t talking to them. Just him. And Tony was right besides. Loki had come here before any of this had – it didn’t mean anything. 

Just that he knew they wouldn’t take advantage. Just that he _chose_ to take refuge here and not somewhere else. 

_What if he dies? If this is about Doom, it’ll be, at least a little, because of you._ Steve pushed that thought away too and sat up as Bruce emerged from the elevator, looking exhausted. Thor leaped forward at once. 

“My friend, is he – are you-”

“Go ahead,” Bruce said, sounding almost completely beaten. “Though just be aware…” Thor was off before he finished the sentence. Steve felt another pang of guilt. _Thor. Have you even thought about what this must be doing to him?_ Bruce sighed a little and rubbed his nose. 

“Okay. He’s…okay. In one piece. More or less.” Bruce’s eyes flicked to Steve. “Though if there’s someone out there who can do that kind of damage to someone of Loki’s caliber…”

“We’re not in danger,” Steve said. “Or at least…he said. Seemed pretty sure of that much.” 

Clint shifted. “Are we sure this is the real – that this isn’t some kind of-”

“Yeah,” Bruce said, voice not quite flat. “I’m pretty sure even Loki’s not crazy enough to vivisect himself.” Clint went perhaps a shade paler. Steve felt vaguely sick. _Experiments,_ he thought, and was just that little bit more sure. 

“Anybody sign their work?” Tony asked dryly, but his voice wobbled slightly. Bruce shook his head. 

“Not exactly, though based on some lingering radiation traces-” Bruce glanced at Steve and then quickly away. “-I’d say Doom’s involvement seems likely.” Steve’s mind flashed to Loki as he’d been just a few weeks ago – _worried? Hardly. Victor suspects nothing, and if he did, I hardly think his toys sufficient to cause me trouble._

Of course, that could have been a lie. Whatever had happened…

“Is he going to survive,” Natasha asked bluntly, “or should we brace for the natural disaster?” They all glanced toward where Thor had exited, and Steve felt himself – almost flinch. He tried to suppress it. Bruce shook his head, though. 

“No, I think…I don’t think so. I don’t really know, I don’t know how that all works. I took the liberty of dosing him with enough depressants to kill a horse, but it looks like he’ll pull through.” 

Clint leaned back and crossed his arms, expression wiped carefully blank. Natasha’s hand brushed his shoulder in what could have been an accidental motion. “Then we’ve got some time,” Natasha said coolly. “Let’s talk about how we’re going to handle this.” Her eyes lingered on Steve, and he didn’t let himself shift uncomfortably. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, after a moment’s pause. “Yeah, let’s. Somebody’d better go get Thor, though.” 

The silence was profound. Steve stood up. “I’ll go. Where’re we meeting?” 

“There’s a conference room on the fifth floor,” Natasha said promptly. Tony gave her a bit of an odd look, but shrugged. 

“Works for me.” 

“I’ll be there soon, then,” Steve said, and started for the elevator, trying not to feel like they were all staring at his back. Judging him. _They’re your friends,_ he reminded himself firmly. _They know you. They trust you._

He fidgeted on the elevator up and stepped out almost at once as the doors opened. The room still smelled powerfully of blood. Thor’s back was to him with his shoulders hunched and Mjolnir dropped on its side on the floor between them, apparently unaware of Steve’s arrival. 

He cleared his throat loudly. “Thor?” 

“Friend Steve,” Thor said, after a moment. His voice sounded thick and wobbly. “What is…I must be clear with you. I will not allow Loki to be-”

“You don’t have to argue your case to me, Thor,” Steve said, quietly. He took a few steps in Thor’s direction. “Is he…Bruce said he’d be all right.” 

“He will heal.” Thor did not sound particularly cheered. Steve’s heart sank and he closed the rest of the distance to lay a hand on Thor’s shoulder. “I only…” Thor made a sound unnervingly like a sob. “—my apologies, it is only…” Thor trailed off helplessly, one hand lifting toward Loki’s face only to fall back to his side. Steve let himself look, then, and if the slow breaths seemed shallow and weak, at least he could see the slight rise and fall of his chest now swathed in gauze and bandage. 

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, a little numbly, and if he thought he’d felt wretched before…

“It seems I must always be reminded,” Thor said heavily, “of how I have failed my brother. That I must constantly…this should not have happened. _None_ of this…” He fell silent, and then took a deep breath, his voice a bit clearer. “Do you…did he say who did this?” 

Steve hesitated. His own suspicion had blossomed into queasy certainty, but- “We’re not sure. He didn’t say, but it looks like it might be – something to do with Doctor Doom.”

Thor nodded. He looked strangely calm, and one of his hands had risen, Steve noticed, and was stroking Loki’s hair. “Doom. I see. I will wait until you are certain. But then…” Thor raised his head, and his eyes met Steve’s. 

They crackled. Steve jerked back, almost reflexively. “He will pay for this,” Thor said, and a harsh note entered his voice. Rage. Steve could see the stormclouds gathering through the windows. “He will pay with his _life_ for daring to-”

“ _Thor,_ ” Steve said sharply, even if a small part of him thought of Loki’s slurring voice and was inclined to let Thor go ahead and do whatever he wanted. “That’s not…we don’t…”

“I do not ask you to support me,” Thor said flatly. “Only tell you what you need to know.” His voice was implacable, and his face as he turned his head to look at Steve only more so. The protest died on Steve’s tongue. “I will not let this go unpunished.” 

Later, Steve decided, after a moment’s hesitation. He’d try to talk to Thor about this later, when Loki hadn’t just nearly bled out almost under his feet. Seeing Loki like this was – bad enough for Steve. For Thor… _Be okay, please,_ he thought fervently.

After a few moments of silence, Thor spoke up again. “He should not remain here. I assume the others want to meet, but may I first…”

“Yeah,” Steve said, quickly. “Yes, that’s probably…JARVIS’ll let them know. You’re right. And Bruce said he’d drugged Loki pretty heavily, so…I think there’s a spare room a floor down, or at least somewhere not...more comfortable.” His eyes kept straying back to Loki’s face, stripped bare of masks, his features wholly relaxed into a small, young-looking frown. Thor stood and then bent to scoop Loki carefully off the couch. He didn’t so much as twitch as Thor carefully arranged his limbs, his expression looking almost like one of intent focus. 

Steve got the door for them both, and Thor strode toward it, only to pause for a moment on the threshold. “Steve…I have not spoken to you much of your meetings with my brother, in truth because I feared that envy would make me unkind. But I am…I am grateful. If you had not…if it were not for you, and whatever trust or affection Loki bears for you, I fear he might not have come here at all.” 

_If it weren’t for me he might not,_ Steve started to think, but that was worse than foolish. Loki had made a choice, a _good_ choice, and Steve couldn’t blame _himself_ that Loki had suffered for it (except that Loki had made a choice to save them, and he could have done more, should have done more.). “You’d be here,” Steve said, stubbornly. “He’d know that you…”

Thor’s smile was sad. “I fear…I fear were he on the brink of death, Loki would not come here for me. He came here, I think, because you are here.” Thor turned away again. “Would you…tell the others I will join them shortly?”

“I’ll tell them,” Steve said, feeling a little heartsick. “They’ll understand.”

* * *

“He can’t stay here,” Natasha said almost as soon as they’d gathered in a conference room. Steve tried not to tense visibly. Thor stiffened. 

“Where do you think we should put him, then?” Tony asked, sarcastically. “Box out on the street, _free crazed god to good home-_ ”

“This is not a humorous matter, my friend,” Thor said, his voice still dangerously near a rumble. Steve wanted to rub his eyes. He wanted to know for sure that everything was going to work out. He wanted to know what had happened and if this time Loki would stay. 

“No,” Natasha agreed. “It isn’t. And I was serious. We could hand him over to SHIELD until we work out a more permanent solution.” 

“I can think of at least one,” Clint mumbled, and Steve wanted to wince. 

“I don’t want him here any more than you do,” Tony said. “But do you really think if we give baby brother to SHIELD we’ll get him back in anything but pieces? Which, I mean, I’m guessing Thor isn’t down with-”

“I will not allow further harm to come to Loki,” Thor said, with a kind of vehement harshness he seldom showed. “Either he remains here or he and I both go elsewhere.” 

“Well, that’s an ultimatum,” Bruce murmured. Clint pushed back from the table. 

“If he’s here, then _I’m_ going elsewhere.” Natasha put a hand on his arm, and Clint cut off, but he was still almost vibrating, to Steve’s eyes. “—sorry. That’s not…productive. I don’t want him here either. Obviously.” His shoulders hunched. “But…Tony’s got a point. I don’t really like the alternatives either.” 

“We’ve got a responsibility,” Steve said, carefully. Their heads swiveled to look at him as though they were surprised to hear him speak. 

Tony’s hands tapped an irregular rhythm on the table. “We’ve got a bunch of responsibilities. Which one are you talking about this time?” 

“The Avengers do not – will never – condone torture. Under _any_ circumstances.” Natasha’s lips pressed together like she was thinking about saying something and decided not to. “And Loki did come here – seeking sanctuary.” 

“And that means we have to give it to him?” Clint’s voice had gone a little harsh. Steve shook his head. 

“I’m not saying that.” 

“Then what _are_ you saying?” Natasha pressed. Steve hesitated again. “You do have a personal stake in this, Steve. As much as Thor does. Can you admit that your judgment here might be compromised?”

 _Compromised?_ Steve’s mind flashed to Loki’s breath on his ear, _I could get used to you saying my name like that,_ and hoped he wasn’t blushing. _More than you know._ But he couldn’t…even if it wasn’t Loki, even if it was anyone else…

He spoke slowly, choosing his words. “You can tell me I’ve been compromised, but – who here isn’t, in this? This isn’t a choice we can pretend to make without bias. We’re all in too deep for that. And the fact is…the fact is that Loki’s intel probably saved our skins, and it looks like – it looks likely that this is some kind of retaliation from Doom. Which means that this is a result of Loki helping us, and don’t we owe him anything for…”

“No,” Natasha said, flatly and with perfect finality. “We don’t _owe_ anything. Whyever Loki turned on Doom – and I don’t believe it was altruism – it doesn’t even close to make up for the war crimes he still hasn’t, as far as I can tell, been tried for.” 

Thor shifted. “Asgardian justice…”

“Let him escape, buddy, you have to admit.” Tony grimaced. “But Steve’s got…kind of a point. Maybe. And if this is Doom – maybe there’s more information floating around in Loki’s brain about the guy that we could dig out and use.” Tony kicked his feet up on the conference table. “Bruce, you’ve been quiet. Whatcha thinking?” 

“That I wouldn’t hand anyone non-human over to SHIELD if I could help it,” Bruce said, a little too quietly. Natasha frowned, but she didn’t argue. “And that I think Steve has more than a point. I think he’s right. And – rationally, if there’s even a chance we could get one of our most powerful enemies off the board for good – and maybe even with some reason to think well of us…I’d take it. Revenge isn’t really going to get us anywhere, I don’t think.” Bruce shrugged. “Just my thoughts.” 

Steve glanced around the table. Tony looked thoughtful, but Clint looked like he was trying not to grind his teeth. After a moment, though, he leaned back and looked at Steve, directly, frank and open. “Okay, Cap. I trust you.” There was just enough emphasis there to make Steve want to wince. “But then what? Do we babysit him until he wakes up and takes off again to who knows where? Do we even know how long that’ll be?” _He won’t,_ Steve wanted to say, but of course – how sure could he be of that? 

“I have no idea,” Bruce said with a shrug. 

“We’ve got containment facilities,” Tony said, frowning a little. “I kind of figured that part wasn’t in debate.” 

“You would put Loki in some cage while he is yet so sore wounded?” Thor said, sounding somewhere between uncomfortable and indignant. 

“Hate to say it, buddy,” Tony said, “But if we wait we’re not going to be able to put the cat in the bag to begin with. Least not without getting some serious scratches.” 

Thor looked almost imploringly at Steve, and Steve closed his eyes and rubbed at them. “Thor…they’re probably right. At the very least – if Loki comes around and panics, _he’d_ probably get hurt.” It was the right thing to do. So why did it seem like he was justifying some kind of betrayal to himself? “We can’t…”

Loki probably didn’t even remember that Steve had said they wouldn’t just lock him away. 

Natasha leaned her elbows on the table. “And when he’s back in one piece? What keeps him from turning on all of us then?” 

“Loki would not,” Thor started to say indignantly, and Tony broke in. 

“Won’t be able to,” Tony said. “I mean – it’ll take a trial run, but I’ve got some snazzy jewelry that ought to – um – make the magic a non-issue.” They all stared at him, and he held up his hands. “I was going to pull them out eventually, it just hasn’t been _relevant._ And I kind of…forgot. So sue me.”

Steve felt a twisting unease in his stomach. The idea of Loki cut off from his magic – seemed wrong somehow. Like – _stealing,_ or poking at something private and untouchable. Thor sat up a little straighter, his expression brightening. “Then I do not see why we may not-”

“Other than the fact that your brother’s probably smart enough to work out how to screw us even without benefit of magic powers?” Natasha’s voice was caustic. “Or am I the only one who remembers that he managed to gut us pretty effectively from inside a cage before? What assurance do we have?”

Steve swallowed hard. “Me,” he said, finally. “You have me.” He took a slow breath through his nose. “I haven’t…of course I can’t be sure. All I can do is guess, and hope, but I’ve talked to him before about – coming here for help.” He made his voice sure, firm. And I’ll vouch for him, in this. If I tell him he’s here on my word, he won’t betray that.” Natasha’s eyes on him were narrowed. Bruce looked thoughtful, and Tony was frowning. Steve cleared his throat. “That’s…that’s all.”

 _What if they say no? What if they want-_ Steve stifled his doubts. They were a team. Whatever his team decided…

“I’m with Steve,” said Bruce, after a moment, and Steve felt his shoulders slump. “I’d rather have him here, and know where he is. And I’m not willing to throw him out on the street like he is or turn him over to SHIELD. With Tony’s device…it seems like the best option.”

“I am also with Steve,” Thor said staunchly. “And while I would rather – I understand the need for measures to keep us all safe.” The hope on his face was almost painful. 

Steve looked at Tony, who was still frowning, but to his surprise – “Fine,” Clint said, suddenly. Natasha’s head swiveled around, and she stared at him. His shoulders were bunched up, but he shrugged tightly. “Long as I don’t have to deal with him – fine. For you, Thor. Cause I like you.” He glanced in Steve’s direction, but his face was unreadable. Thor’s expression scrunched up like he was about to cry. 

“My friend-”

“Save it,” Clint said, shortly. “I’m out. You can figure out the rest of this on your own, I’ve got a job to prepare for.” He shoved his chair back from the table and strode out. Natasha looked after him for a moment, but didn’t follow. 

The rest was just ironing out details. Steve hardly listened, nodding and agreeing where it seemed appropriate, feeling relief in sharper contrast than he’d realized the dread had been. He could feel Natasha watching him. After they settled the rest of the details, Tony and Bruce headed off to get the room (cell, Steve knew Loki would say, but) set up, Thor made a beeline for the door, undoubtedly to go right back to Loki’s side (Steve felt a small bud of resentment that seemed petty at once), and Natasha grabbed his arm. 

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

“Of course,” he said. “Here, or…”

“Here’s fine.” She tapped her foot twice against the floor, and then asked, bluntly, “have you been sleeping with Loki?” 

Steve felt his whole face flame bright red. “—what? No! I haven’t – _no.” Because you didn’t get the chance,_ his treacherous mind murmured, and that made his face feel even hotter. 

“But you’ve thought about it,” Natasha said, implacable. How was he supposed to answer _that?_

“I don’t-” Steve scratched his head. “—I know you’re just…I don’t really…”

“I just want to be sure that you know why you’re sticking your neck out for him,” she said. Her expression was blank, difficult to read, but he could see a trace of worry in her eyes. “What we talked about before…it still stands. Not everyone can change. Or wants to.” 

_Didn’t you?_ Steve wanted to say, for just a moment, but it passed quickly. “I know,” he said. “I’m not…whatever you think, Natasha, I’m not jumping into anything. And I haven’t forgotten…I know how careful I need to be.” 

“Do you?” Natasha shook her head. “No, I – you do. I don’t want you doing this for the wrong reasons.”

Steve felt just a little prickle of temper. “You think I’m not using my head? I am. My head and my instinct, and doing what I think is the right thing.” 

“And that’s rehabbing a supervillain who tried to take over the planet?” Natasha said, with something not quite a grimace. Steve straightened, feeling a little more sure of himself.

“We’ve all got second chances,” he said firmly. “Maybe I’m just trying to make sure he gets his.”

* * *

Steve kept his distance for the next couple days.

He wasn’t sure he could have articulated why, but he thought maybe it was because he didn’t want to see Loki like he’d been when he’d arrived. Not yet, anyway, not that helpless and vulnerable and – close to death. Whatever Bruce said to reassure Thor, the slight anxiety around his eyes betrayed that he wasn’t as sure about the prognosis as he’d said. All Steve could think was all the things that he knew could go wrong with a serious injury. 

Bruce took him off the continuous drugs after he’d been moved to one of the containment rooms downstairs, but he still didn’t wake up. 

Finally, though, Steve pulled himself together, gathered his nerves, and went down at one of the rare times when Thor wasn’t hovering by his side. 

He took the elevator down to the floor and walked down to the room designated for Loki. The door unlocked for a fingerprint scan and a short spoken passcode – “reindeer games,” Tony’s idea. Steve let himself in and stopped by the door. 

Loki’s breath was slow, deep, and even, his face utterly slack. Without his guard up and defenses out, Steve realized, the circles around his eyes seemed darker, exhaustion more readily apparent. Relaxed, the corners of his mouth pulled down in the faintest of frowns, and his eyelashes were long, dark smudges on porcelain-pale skin. His wrists were still bare; Tony still perfecting his device, then. Steve fidgeted, feeling strangely uncomfortable, like he was intruding on something private. 

_All right,_ he told himself, _you’ve seen him, he’s alive._

He didn’t leave. 

Did it mean something, Loki coming here when he was at the end of his rope – what, three times now? Or was it just sheer desperation, survival before all and they (he) were the only ones he trusted at least not to kill him? But that was something, wasn’t it, that trust, however little it was? That for all Loki’s wariness…

That felt hollow too.

Was he just grasping at straws, looking for good that wasn’t there, trying to save someone who couldn’t – didn’t want to – be saved? The others thought so, he thought, except for Thor, and maybe Bruce. But how was he supposed to _know_ what was true?

Loki had saved his life, though. He kept coming back to that. And then all of theirs. _Since you turned up…you haven’t actually played me false._ Been cruel, yes, harsh, sometimes frightening. But all through this strange dance of theirs – at every turn Loki had advocated his own irredeemability. But actions, Steve had always thought, said more than words.

His shoulders fell a little, and he turned, mind made up. Maybe he was a fool, everything Tony was just managing not to call him (naïve, a dupe, a patsy). But maybe the only way to get through to someone like Loki was to give him the benefit of the doubt, and the chance to be something other than what he thought he was. 

“Steve?” 

He whirled around, hardly recognizing that voice, quiet and rough and so absent of any edge or sharpness. Loki’s eyes were open just enough to show a sliver of green. A slight line of a frown appeared between his eyebrows. 

“You’re awake,” Steve said blankly, and almost wanted to flush at the sheer obviousness of that statement. Loki frowned a bit more. 

“Am I? …curious.” Loki hummed quietly, and his eyes drifted closed again. “Then that would make you real.” 

It wasn’t a question, but Steve answered vehemently anyway. “Yes. Of _course._ ” He took a deep breath, half wanting to ask, half not quite daring to. Loki opened his eyes to look at Steve with an unreadable expression, and then blinked slowly. 

“Of course. Yes.” There was still a faint slur to his words that spoke of unabated exhaustion. Loki’s lips turned down very slightly at the corners. “You look dreadful, Captain.” 

Steve almost choked on that. “I – what? You’re joking.” Loki’s frown deepened slightly.

“No? Why would I…” Loki trailed off, as though he’d become distracted in the middle of his sentence, and Steve noticed belatedly that his eyes seemed slightly out of focus, pupils blown too wide. He felt a twinge of embarrassment, suddenly too aware of how little Loki would want anyone to see him like this. It felt – again, like he was intruding on something he wasn’t supposed to see. But…

Steve took a couple cautious steps nearer. “How are _you_ feeling?” he asked, carefully. Loki still seemed so…fragile. He raised a hand, though, and waved it in a loose imitation of a gesture of dismissal. 

“Oh, come. Let’s not discuss – mm. I have been, of late, a great deal worse. Come here?” The almost…shyness of Loki’s voice, suddenly, took Steve aback. After a moment’s hesitation, though, he came over, stood awkwardly at his bedside. He almost startled when Loki’s fingers folded gently around his wrist, the pressure of his fingers light and cool. He didn’t pull, though, his hand just resting there, eyes closed. 

After a few moments, Steve fidgeted. “Um…”

“Shh,” Loki murmured, a little blurrily. “Don’t ruin it. I won’t…it never lasts long, does it?” He spoke quietly, eyes opening slowly. His lips turned up at the corners, but his eyes were – painfully tired, and _sad._ “Everything always…sweetness is the quickest to fade.” He’d wondered, maybe, what Loki would look like if he just once let himself be vulnerable. Now he thought he might know.

“Loki,” he started to say.

“Hush,” Loki murmured, a little more firmly, and then his voice faded back into a blurry murmur. “Stay for a bit. Please? It doesn’t have to be long.” Steve checked behind himself and sat down, carefully. He felt hopelessly out of his depth, helpless. Cleared his throat. 

“Of course. I don’t…I’d be happy to.” 

“I used to be sick quite frequently,” Loki murmured. “Thor never was, but I…my mother – _Frigga,_ musn’t forget that – always sat with me. Ran her fingers through my hair…strange, the things one remembers. But that’s not mine anymore. Nonetheless, sometimes, even now…ah well. Steve…”

The use of his name startled him, took him aback for a moment. He hesitated, trying to work out the right thing to do here. After a moment, he inched forward, reached out tentatively and let his fingers slide into Loki’s disheveled mane of hair. His fingers caught in a tangle almost at once, but Loki’s body went slack, too, with a small sound that was almost inaudible. Steve swallowed hard. More than – before, this felt intimate, but Loki wasn’t…wouldn’t…would never…

“Even if it didn’t last,” Loki said, words slurring lazily together. “It was…a beautiful thing. Whatever else – you were that.” His breathing slowed. Steve opened his mouth to ask what that was supposed to mean, and closed it. His fingers were working the tangle in sleek black hair free, almost absently. Unkempt, he noticed, it curled slightly. Loki would probably hate that too. There was an ache in his chest. _And it’s only like this that he feels like he can…_

He wanted, suddenly, to fold Loki into a several blankets and put him in a quiet room where maybe he could at least _start_ to fix the little broken places and keep everything else away. He’d be safe, the world would be safe, and maybe Steve could finally _do_ something.

He waited until he was certain Loki was asleep once more before standing and leaving quietly. He knew that wasn’t the way it worked. 

That didn’t keep him from wishing it was.

* * *

Steve went to go find Thor, and found him in one of the kitchens, brows furrowed, staring moodily at a toaster. He hesitated, then said, “Thor…he woke up for a little while. Back out again now, but…figured you’d want to know.” 

Thor whirled around at once, and his expression would have been comical if it weren’t a little heartbreaking. “He did? Is he still…is he well?” Well, Steve thought. Huh. 

“I think so,” he said, though, and found a weak smile. “Looks like he’ll be fine.” Thor almost sagged with relief. Steve took a deep breath. “Listen, Thor, can I – talk to you?”

Thor’s eyes widened and his expression was immediately attentive. “Of course. You may always speak to me of anything you wish, my friend.” He paused. “In truth…I had hoped to speak with you.” 

Steve’s stomach dropped nervously. “—really? Why?”

Thor glanced around like he was suddenly worried someone else might be there, or listening. “I only wish to know…” he cleared his throat, and Steve was beginning to feel the awkwardness, strange for Thor. “Loki has…in your meetings, Loki has treated you well?” 

Steve blinked. “I – mostly? Not at first, and sometimes it still seems like he’s trying to push my buttons, but, I mean…” 

Thor’s frown deepened. “I am…that is good to hear.” He fidgeted again. “I realize now that…Loki had few friends of his own. The Warriors Three were mine, and Sif and Loki were ever at odds. He never complained of being lonely, but sometimes I wonder…” He trailed off again, and then straightened and looked directly at Steve. “I know you are a good man, Steven Rogers. One of the best among all mortals that I have met. I know that you would not harm another needlessly if you could avoid it. But I know too that your heart and generosity are great, and I must ask. What is my brother to you?” Thor asked, his tone suddenly serious. Steve hesitated. 

_It’s a good question._

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you care for him?” Thor’s gaze was intense, almost unnervingly so. 

Steve swallowed. He knew the answer to that question. He had known the answer to that question for a while, whatever he’d told himself. He’d probably known for a while that Loki was flirting with him, deep down, but he’d avoided that too. He still knew it, though, but somehow it was harder to look Thor in the eye and answer it. “Yes,” he said, finally. “I…do.” Whatever that meant. However dangerous or pointless it might be. 

He expected Thor to chide him. Warn him again, perhaps, that Loki might just be using him. He braced himself for either, to say that he knew he was taking a risk, that he recognized that he needed to be careful but that he still believed it was important, and that the physical, concrete things Loki had done said more than most of the rest. 

Instead, Thor looked powerfully relieved. “Good,” Thor said, and then repeated, “ _Good._ ” Steve frowned. 

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

“I do not believe,” Thor said, slowly, “—though I would be reluctant to say so to the others – that the things Loki has done for you are those he would do lightly. Whatever the nature of it…I think he sees something in you. I wished to know what you felt, and I am glad to know that there is someone else here who cares for Loki – because he is Loki, and not for some other reason.”

Steve stared out straight ahead. Thor was incredible, really. “I like him,” Steve said, after a moment. “I mean – I do. I didn’t expect to. But he’s…”

Thor smiled a bit. “Clever and charming when he wishes to be. I know. I remember. When we had to stand in procession at feasts, or during ceremonies, he had this way of talking without hardly moving his mouth, and he would stand right next to me and say the most ridiculous things until I couldn’t help but laugh and then the whole hall would glower at me and he’d just be standing there prim as you please with the corners of his mouth twitching…” Thor laughed. Steve could see that, picture it with startling clarity, and he wished-

“It’s that,” Steve said, “but it’s also just – all the little expressions he makes, and the way he smiles when he’s actually happy…”

“He used to smile more,” Thor said. “Not – never around others or the court, but with me, or mother…he was ticklish for the longest time.” Thor’s smile faded. “But that was…we were both very young. It seems like a long time ago, now. I have not seen Loki smile in truth in too long.”

“What changed?” Steve asked quietly. Thor sank into one of the chairs, and after a moment Steve sat across from him. 

“I don’t know,” Thor said, his voice growing more solemn. “It seemed such small things, unimportant things, and I did not pay enough attention or did not care until one day I looked up and he wasn’t how I remembered.” Thor sighed. “He said…he has said I am trying to make him into something he is not. The image of how I remember him, rather than who he is.”

“Is that true?” 

“I don’t know.” Thor shook his head. “I just cannot think…that this is Loki. That this is truly what he wants.”

 _I’m not sure he knows,_ Steve thought, but saying it seemed like a violation of Loki’s privacy, somehow, and he kept it to himself. “Sometimes it’s like I thought I was starting to get him,” Steve said, “and then something will happen, or he’ll say something, and it’s like – I didn’t know anything. And how am I supposed to know what’s the truth and what isn’t, what he’s really feeling…” It was a relief, he realized suddenly, to be able to talk about this with someone. With someone who understood. He hadn’t known until just now how much he’d wanted to.

Thor’s smile was simultaneously sad and fond. “He has ever been thus. Changeable and ever in motion, mind traveling several paths at once, none of which I could ever follow. I thought I knew Loki better than anyone, yet I still did not…”

Steve rubbed his eye. “It’s so easy to set off his temper.”

“Yes,” Thor agreed, and then laughed, if quietly. “Though I never knew until I found frogs in my bed, or my clothes vanished, or some other trick…and then later,” his smile faded. “Later, more sharp words, and less harmless tricks. Mother always said that Loki masked hurt with anger because he didn’t think that I would respect his feelings. I wish I could say for certain that I would have, but…” he trailed off. 

“It’s not your fault,” Steve said. Thor sighed. 

“No? And yet I cannot help but think – you have done more to help Loki of late than I have. All I do…only ever seems wrong.” Thor bowed his head. “But you…”

“I’m not his brother,” Steve said, and then shook his head. “I just mean…it’s a lot more complicated, for you two. For me…I had a clean slate. Mostly. And I still don’t know…”

“Loki cares for you, Steve Rogers,” Thor said, with certainty. “If I know anything of him…I know that. I will not be envious of you for that.” He stood, after a moment. “And that you believe as I do, that maybe he may be helped…that means the world to me.”

* * *

Steve went down again the next day to see if anything had changed. And to set his mind at ease. He kept thinking if they’d been a bit later…

He just didn’t want to leave Loki alone for too long.

Looking through the door, he thought at first that Loki was sleeping still, hands clasped below his sternum. There were new bands around his wrists of ugly, dull metal; Steve glanced guiltily over them and looked to his face. Loki’s eyes were closed, so Steve slipped in quietly. He looked…better. Still battered and washed out pale, but…better. 

“So you’ve come.” Steve almost jumped as Loki’s voice rolled out. “I was uncertain whether you would.”

Steve looked quickly back to Loki’s face, trying to get a read on his expression, but his eyes were still closed, his face blank. His voice was clearer, though, and he could hear the difference in it. “You’re awake,” he blurted out, and looked around hastily. “I mean – really awake. Should I get – call-”

“No need. What did you want?” 

“Want? I was just coming to see how you were doing,” Steve said blankly, and then registered the first thing Loki had said. “—why did you think I wouldn’t come?” 

“Why should you?” Loki’s voice was calm and even, absent the slight slur. He looked calm and he sounded calm, but there were still faint uneasy bells going off in Steve’s head saying that something was wrong, and he could feel himself tensing. “Your duty, after all, is done.” 

Steve simply stared for a moment, confused. “My duty?” he blurted, and then shook himself. “What are you talking about, Loki?”

“Come, Captain. No pretense between friends. It’s clever. I could almost approve.” 

“Approve of – what’s clever?” Steve shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m lost. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“I am beaten, am I not?” Loki’s voice was strange, almost dull but with an undertone of something Steve couldn’t quite pin down. “The beast has been bound, to do with what you will.” Sharp green eyes opened, finally. “Is that not what you wanted?” 

Steve blinked. “I don’t…sorry?” Uneasiness welled up in him, and he shifted. “You’re not a beast, and that’s not what…I didn’t make the call about confinement,” Steve said, and then wished he hadn’t. Loki’s mouth curved, but it was a bitter smile. 

“You needn’t make excuses to me, Captain. I understood what I accepted in surrendering.” His eyes closed again. “So. What is to happen next?” Steve frowned. 

“I’m sorry?” he asked, carefully.

“What is to be done with me?” Loki’s voice was oddly light, and that prickled a warning on Steve’s neck. “Now that all you wished has come to pass-”

“Wait,” Steve said sharply and in sudden comprehension, his heart sinking. “You think I – what is it you think I wanted? Do you think I _planned_ to-” _You drew the snare tight so slowly,_ he remembered, and almost jerked back, stung. 

“Are you not pleased?” Loki’s voice was soft, almost inaudible. 

Steve rocked back on his heels and then forward into motion, sat down stiffly in the chair that had been left. “By what?” he asked, bluntly. “I was never trying to – to trap you. I _hoped_ that you would _choose_ to…come here for help, if you needed it, but I wasn’t _plotting_ or whatever it is you think-”

“Can you tell me this is not ideal for you?” Loki’s voice cut through his like a hot knife through butter, even soft as it was. “I am chained so I can do no harm. Whatever duty you felt to me is fulfilled and yet your responsibility as a hero remains unmarred.”

“Duty?” Steve said, sitting up straighter. There was that word again. “Do you really think I was just – Loki…” He took a deep breath, trying to think. “I came here to say – I wanted to be sure – do you think I was doing all this because I thought I _had_ to?” He felt awful, almost sick. What kind of person…

Loki’s face stayed blank, immobile. “Would you tell me it is not so?” 

“Yes,” Steve said with vehemence. His stomach was doing flips. “Of course I would, because it isn’t like that. It was never like that. I’m not a saint, and I’m not that selfless. Maybe – _maybe_ at first it was a matter of the right thing to do, but-” he breathed out sharply. “Was it – was it so _utilitarian_ for _you?_ ” He was thinking of Loki’s body pressed against his own, the feel of his mouth on Steve’s neck. _Were you just using me, playing with me, right up to-_

“I daresay that is not of relevance here.” Something not quite sharp touched Loki’s voice, and Steve felt a small well of relief. It wasn’t a _no,_ but it was…a Loki sort of _no._ He took a deep, slow breath. 

“I like you, Loki.” Silence. Steve didn’t dare to look to Loki’s face. “I want to help you because I like you, however unlikely you might think that is. That’s it. No plan, no obligation, just…” He trailed off. The room seemed very quiet. “I thought you knew that. I thought…” Still silence. Steve made himself, cautiously, look to Loki’s face. If anything, it looked even blanker than before. “Are you hearing me?” he asked, a little bit sharply. 

“Yes.” Loki’s voice was empty of feeling. Steve tensed. 

“And?”

“You have said it yourself. It is naïve. Even _dangerous._ ”

“Isn’t that my call to make?” Steve felt tense, his stomach twisting uneasily. “Don’t I get to decide what risks I’m willing to take? Or is it really that impossible that-” Steve stopped, took a deep breath. “If you thought I was just – playing you, then why would you…” Kiss me. Act like maybe you thought… “I know you can tell when I’m lying. Am I lying now?” 

There was, for several moments, nothing but the quiet sound of Loki’s breathing. “There’s no plan,” Steve pushed out. “You came here because you knew you needed help. And I’m _glad._ To know that you _did_ decide to come here, even if it was because there wasn’t anywhere else.” _Listen to me,_ he thought, forcefully. _Come on, just-_

“You have too much kindness in you, Captain.” Loki’s voice was quiet, barely audible, and there was a strange note to it. “Too much compassion.”

“I can decide that, too.” Steve made his voice firm, though he felt tense, a thread of unhappiness tangled around his throat. “All right? And I’ve decided that I want to help you because I want to help _you._ And that’s it.” 

Silence, again. Steve was almost holding his breath. Loki’s voice, when he spoke, seemed to have become even softer. “I should know better than to doubt you by now.”

Steve felt his shoulders slump, and he closed his eyes, just for a moment. “I…I understand why you do. I just hope…” he trailed off, suddenly feeling like a total dope. “I’m just glad you’re in one piece,” he said instead, which the moment it was out didn’t seem so much less foolish. “That you got here in time for us to…do something.”

“Indeed,” Loki murmured. “It would seem I owe you my life once over again.” There was a strange note to his voice, one Steve couldn’t quite identify. “If I am not careful, soon I will be beyond what I can repay.”

“I’m not keeping track,” Steve said quickly. “So you don’t have to.”

“Gracious of you,” Loki said quietly. “But also untrue. I don’t think you understand how deeply a blood debt runs. I would keep a scrap of honor in that, at least.” Steve was at a loss regarding what to say to that. He stared blankly at Loki, shook his head and tried not to fidget. 

“Don’t…don’t worry about it. At least not yet. After you’re well.”

Loki’s lips twisted in a curious expression not quite one of humor. “ _Well._ ”

“Yes,” said Steve firmly. “Do you realize-” He cut off, realizing that a note of scolding had slipped into his voice. “—it looked pretty bad.” An awful thought occurred to him, and he sat up straight. “Wait. None of the – there’s nothing permanent, is there?” 

Loki made a curious noise, not quite a laugh. “No. I shall heal.” Some deep part of Steve unclenched a little, to hear that. 

“Oh. Good.” There were so many questions Steve wanted to ask. _Everything you said that night, did you really mean it?_ was pretty high on the list, but it didn’t quite seem like the time. One of Loki’s eyes opened, and he regarded Steve, gaze opaque. Steve held it. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” he asked, finally. 

“Not about to guess?” There was just a hint of a bite to Loki’s voice. 

“I wouldn’t want to try,” Steve said, honestly. Loki’s expression flickered like he was amused. Steve decided to take that as a good sign. 

“I am thinking,” Loki said after a few moments of silence, “that I shall never understand you. That is a rare thing.” 

Steve tried to summon a smile. “Is that a good thing?” 

“It is neither good nor bad. Simply a curiosity.” 

“I don’t think I’m that complicated.” 

“You would not.” Loki’s voice was smooth and even, casual. If Steve didn’t look at him, this could have been any of their conversations. It was just looking at him that he could still see how battered Loki still was, the livid bruises showing outside white bandage, the lingering greyish cast to his color. That he was here at all. 

That was deliberate, he thought, the attempt at normalcy, and wondered if Loki remembered earlier, remembered how open he’d been. That was gone now, though, the shields back in place. The urge welled up in him to reach out and touch Loki’s hair, see if he relaxed in the same half instinctive way, or to say something corny like _I missed you._ He shifted. “When you didn’t come back…”

“You thought I was toying with you.” Loki did not sound particularly surprised or offended – not, Steve knew, that that meant anything. “Understandable. I assure you that had it been possible…”

Steve felt himself flush. _I shall make this up to you._ “Huh,” he said, and then felt rather stupid. Loki’s lips did that slight tilt at the corners, and Steve held himself deliberately still so that he didn’t fidget. 

“Mm. Unfortunately…” Loki trailed off, eyes drifting closed again. “It would seem I’ve lost my chance.” 

Steve felt his face warm and glanced up, suddenly too aware of the fact that JARVIS was watching and that Tony could be. He swallowed. “—well. Maybe not.” He hesitated, looking at Loki’s head tipped back, eyes closed. He could have passed for relaxed, maybe, but Steve could just pick up the telltale tension of pain. “How are you feeling?” He asked, carefully. 

“Well enough.” Loki’s voice was flawlessly even. “I have taken worse.” 

Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to know when. “You still look pretty…” he searched for a diplomatic word, and ultimately went for, “beat.”

“You flatter me.” Loki’s voice was almost a drawl, and his eyes didn’t open. 

“Well?” Steve said quietly, after a moment’s pause. Loki’s eyes opened, then, flicked to him and away. 

“If you have a question, ask it.” His voice was quiet, barely a murmur. Steve shifted uneasily and chewed on the inside of his cheek.

“Are you going to…tell me what happened?” 

Loki’s head turned away from Steve, his eyes closing. “Is it of import?” 

“Yes,” Steve said, firmly. 

“Then it was not a request, but a demand.” There was a strange edge of tension to Loki’s voice. Uneasiness. Steve shook his head. 

“No, not a _demand,_ but…” he trailed off, suddenly uncertain. Silence, except for the quiet sound of Loki’s still strained breathing. Steve tried not to hold his. Of course Loki wouldn’t want to discuss it, not so soon after… Steve had hardly wanted to think about what had been done to Loki, and he hadn’t lived it. “Sorry,” he blurted out. “I just – I want to know. I – we can’t help or protect you if we don’t know…”

“I miscalculated.” Loki’s voice cut through his, strange and steely. It wasn’t a tone Steve had heard before, and that made him nervous. 

“Miscalculated what?” he asked carefully. 

There was a quiet, rasping laugh. “The threat Victor could pose to me. The damage he could cause.” His eyes opened just a sliver. “Or did you want the gory details?” Steve swallowed hard, and the sliver disappeared. “My apologies, Captain. That was…churlish of me.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it,” Steve said, quietly, “I…understand.” Loki’s tone sharpened. 

“Why should I not wish to? Or do you think I have never been tortured before?” He seemed almost amused, and Steve felt a slightly uncomfortable feeling start in his gut that he could say that so casually. “Victor was not truly trying to hurt me, besides. The pain was incidental.” 

“It didn’t look incidental.” Steve couldn’t quite keep the harsh note out of his voice. The look Loki gave him was one of faint surprise quickly replaced by more detached, careless amusement. 

“Peripheral to his task, then.” 

Steve could feel himself tensing. “Which was?” The feeling of – angry protectiveness, hot in his chest, caught him by surprise. Loki was giving him an odd look, Steve realized, brows slightly drawn together, as though he were, perhaps, faintly perplexed. Steve thought he could guess why and that made him itch too. “What?” Steve said, slightly peevishly. 

“Nothing,” Loki said, his face smoothing, though a frown line remained between his eyebrows. “It is…irrelevant.” His eyes skipped away from Steve’s face, voice turning bland. “As for Victor’s goal...partly, to humiliate me for betraying him. Not an inconsiderable concern. But primarily…for one such as him, I am a prize.” A faint hint of something like bitterness slipped briefly into Loki’s voice, and then was gone again. “My body, for him, is a chest full of secrets if he can only find where to carve it from. To immortality, to power. He was content to conduct his studies in ostensible secrecy without actual harm to my person, but when I turned on him he was free to turn on me, and did so.”

“I thought you said he couldn’t harm you,” Steve said, carefully. “That he didn’t have the resources.” 

Loki’s eyes closed again, though lightly. Steve could see them flickering under the lids. “Victor is clever. Give a clever man enough scraps…he puzzled out more than I realized he had. Enough.” Loki made a motion that wasn’t quite a shrug. “He surprised me. As I said. I miscalculated.”

 _I don’t think even Loki’s crazy enough to vivisect himself._ He could fill in the gaps, better than he wanted to, and thinking about it made him feel sick. Steve rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry,” he said, after another moment’s silence. Loki’s eyes snapped open. 

“For what?”

Steve fidgeted again, twisting his hands together. It was a risk, he knew it was a risk, but one he needed to take. It wasn’t right not to. “That I…that this happened. You helped us, took a risk for us, and you paid for it.”

Loki made a dismissive noise. “I knew the chance I was taking. Do not think-”

“I never said you didn’t know,” Steve interrupted. “But it still…you threw away a powerful alliance. Don’t think I don’t see that.”

“I chose to use Doom. That hardly means I need agree with his tactics.” Loki’s voice vibrated with a curious kind of tension. Steve frowned.

“I never said…I’m just sorry that you got burned for helping us. Or – me. Whichever.”

“Don’t be.” Loki’s voice was almost harsh, suddenly. “I made a deliberate choice, knowing the potential consequences. I will not have you _pity_ me for that which-”

“ _Loki_ ,” Steve said, and wonder of wonders, Loki actually fell quiet. “It’s not pity. Just – take it, all right? For me if nothing else.”

“It is absurd of you to bear guilt for something you had no part in, and it is presumptuous of me to accept an unnecessary apology. But if you insist.” Loki sounded – with anyone else Steve would have said fidgety. He tried to find a smile. 

“I do.” 

Loki let out a little huff that wasn’t quite a laugh, and Steve relaxed, slightly. “Then I suppose I must,” he said, but with just the slightest trace of playful humor. Loki’s eyes turned toward the ceiling, and he seemed to be thinking. Steve let him, just looking at him for a few moments. Letting himself feel relieved, a little bit. It still hurt that Loki could still think so easily that Steve would…but that was something they could talk about later. 

Later, Steve thought. A later that he could actually be sure would be there. 

“Thank you,” Loki said, almost suddenly. The words sounded awkward, uncertain, and he looked tense, nearly…nervous. As close to it as Steve had ever seen. “I have given you very little reason to think that I would…I am aware of that. And I am…grateful.” Steve fought the absurd urge to grin. It was, he knew logically, so little, but it seemed bigger than that. Seemed important. 

“You’re welcome,” Steve said, willing himself not to react, not to make a fuss. “I told you. I’m glad you chose to come here.” He hesitated, and then did reach out, letting his hand rest on Loki’s arm just above the bands of metal. 

It was barely perceptible, the way he stiffened and then relaxed, some of the ever-present tension oozing out of his muscles. Loki’s eyelids were starting to drag closed, and he still looked exhausted. Steve rubbed his fingers into the muscle of Loki’s forearm and felt it go a little more slack. 

“Go ahead,” Steve urged. “You need your rest. I’ll come back.” 

“Will you?” Loki murmured, a little blurrily. Steve squeezed Loki’s arm once. 

“Yep,” he said. “Promise.”

* * *

“All right,” said Tony over breakfast. “Two days into Operation I Haven’t Come Up With a Snappy Name Yet. Sanity check? I vote Steve starts.”

“I’m fine,” Steve said, resisting the impulse to gobble his waffles and go back downstairs. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“I have learned,” Bruce said mildly, “that when you say that he just worries more.”

“I don’t worry at all, ever, about anyone,” Tony objected. “I was just checking in. And would also like to point out while I’m thinking about it that this time it _isn’t_ me making bad choices-”

“Tony,” Natasha said mildly, and bit off the end of her bacon with a crunch. “Back off.” Steve gave her a slightly startled look, but she didn’t meet it. “Before you ask, I’m doing quite well, thank you.”

“What about your boyfriend? Still sulking?”

“No,” said Clint’s voice from the doorway, still in his pajamas and disheveled. “Some of us had work last night.” He wandered over to the table, snatched a sausage off Natasha’s plate, and flopped into the chair next to her. 

“Hey! How come he’s allowed to take your food and when I try I get death threats? This doesn’t seem fair.”

“Don’t push it, Stark.” Natasha took another bite. “You won’t like what happens.” 

“See what I have to live with?” Tony said mournfully, and Steve couldn’t help but crack a smile. “Anyway - okay, Hunger Games check, Tasha check, Steve wobbly check of we’ll get back to that later…What about Thor? He’s usually up burning pop tarts by now. Babysitting his homicidal little brother today?” 

“Thor went to stay with Jane for a few days on my suggestion. I figured it’d probably be best for everyone involved.” Natasha glanced up. “He looked like he needed a break, said we should call him in if anything happens.” 

“Probably smart,” Bruce murmured. 

“It did feel quieter in here,” Tony said, and leaned back. “So, JARVIS says our new friend woke up twice while you were down there, Steve. Talked and everything. I mean, I guess you would make a pretty good Prince Philip-”

“Let’s not,” Bruce broke in. Steve made a mental note to look the reference up. “Though – did everything seem…”

Steve fidgeted. “Fine,” he said, after a moment. “Still pretty out of it, but…” He glanced at Clint, feeling self conscious. Clint’s fingers were drumming repeatedly on the table. “He did confirm that this was von Doom’s doing, though.”

“So sooner or later Doom’s going to turn up here wanting his toy back,” Clint said, bluntly. “Do we have a plan for what happens then?” 

“Working on it,” Tony said, at the same time as Natasha said, “No.” Tony glowered at her. She shrugged. “We don’t. I’m not saying we can’t work one out, just-”

“Sir,” JARVIS broke in, “we appear to have a situation with the prisoner.” All their heads swiveled at once, and Steve’s heart-rate picked up, all kinds of awful scenarios flashing through his mind. Clint half rose. 

“What the hell does that mean?” 

“A situation?” Tony’s voice rose sharply. “Little more specific, maybe, what kind of situation are we talking here-”

“If I had to presume, I would suggest fairly high probability that the prisoner Loki is having some sort of nightmare.”

Tony expelled a sharp breath and sank back in his seat. Natasha frowned. “A nightm- _jeez._ You freaked me out. For a second I thought it was serious-”

“Given the rising heart rate and rapid breathing, sir, I think it may be.” Bruce swore under his breath.

“Are you telling me,” Tony said, sounding a touch incredulous, “that Loki is having a _panic attack_ in my basement?” _Panic attack,_ Steve thought, and jerked to his feet, making a move toward the stairs that he stopped halfway through. “That’s just – that’s-”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Clint said, suddenly, lowly. They all turned to stare at him. “It’s true,” he said, almost defensively. “There was one time…” he trailed off, apparently unwilling to elaborate further. 

“Jesus,” Tony said, after a moment’s silence. “Huh. Well. Um. Good to know that psychotic alien gods aren’t immune to bad dreams, I guess-” He looked a little fidgety, though, uneasy. “JARVIS…”

“Someone should be there,” Bruce said tensely, his eyes on Tony. “Steve-”

“I’m going,” Steve said at once, and headed for the stairs. It would be a little faster, he reasoned. Maybe not by much. 

“So much for waffles,” he heard Clint mutter, and sped up his pace.

He was three-fourths of the way down when Loki started to scream.

For a moment, Steve didn’t realize that was what it was, just that he could hear a noise coming up from below him, muffled through walls. It was a noise that froze Steve for a moment before he even realized what it was, and then he was pushing the button frantically like he could make the elevator move faster because everything was wrong with that sound, a wail of anguish that shouldn’t come from anyone but should especially not come from Loki, Loki who hardly seemed touched by his own pain when he was bleeding out on the floor-

Steve burst through the doors, ran down the hall, and blurted out the password, bursting into Loki’s room the moment he heard the click of the lock. The scream had become a quiet keening noise, but Steve froze for a moment, staring at Loki’s body arching off the bed, every line of muscle tensed and corded tight. 

Then he jumped forward without thinking and grabbed Loki’s shoulders to shake him. 

A fist slammed into his jaw like a brick crashing into his face, and Steve didn’t even have the time to reel back before there was a vice of an arm around his throat. He made himself relax and not react, hold still even as his heart pounded wildly. _Of course,_ he thought, angry at himself. _Of course he’d react like that._

“Loki?” he managed to push out. At least he could still get air, that seemed like a good sign. Even without his magic Loki was probably more than strong enough to break his neck. _Just stay calm. Just…_

A quiet hiss, close to his ear, and then, “Captain?” in a voice still slightly blurred with sleep. 

“Yep,” Steve said, keeping his voice carefully calm. He’d seen soldiers react like that when woken suddenly. Former POWs, mostly. “It’s just me. I’m sorry, I should have thought before waking you up like that.” 

The vice grip around his neck loosened. Slightly. “It is you, then.” 

_Then you are real,_ Steve remembered Loki saying, when he’d first woken, and felt a sense of disquiet that he tried to suppress. “Yes,” he said. His face hurt. He’d forgotten how much of a wallop Loki packed. “It’s me. Just me.” He hesitated for a moment, and then did add, “You’re fine. Safe.” 

“Almost never,” Loki said, after a moment’s pause, but then his arm slid free and Steve took a deep, relieved breath. He turned slowly, almost wary of making sudden movements. Loki’s chest was heaving just a little too rapidly, and he looked distinctly disheveled. 

“You were having a nightmare,” Steve said, and then felt distinctly foolish. Loki glanced away, though, and whatever else Steve could or couldn’t read, he knew shame, however quickly it was masked. 

“Was I.”

Steve cleared his throat. “…yes.” He paused, resisting the urge to fidget. “Are you…all right?” 

“Why should I not be? What harm can a dream cause?” Loki’s voice tried just a little too hard for light. Steve could hear an edge underneath, and he was still almost twitching with tension. Steve resisted the urge to sigh.

 _You don’t have to do that,_ Steve wanted to say. _I’m not going to think less of you for suffering._ He didn’t think that would get him much of anywhere, though. He wished the cameras weren’t on, wondered if Loki knew that they were, and gave up on thinking about it. He sat down on the chair by the bed. Loki, sitting up, watched him warily. Steve checked surreptitiously for new spots on the bandages wrapped around his torso. There were a few, he thought, and made a mental note to ask Loki if he’d let Bruce take another look at his wounds.

In a bit, though.

“Well?” Loki said, after a few moments of silence, both challenge and accusation.

“For a while after they dug me out of the ice,” he said, deliberately not looking up, “I could hardly sleep at all. I mean – for one thing I was scared I’d wake up and another seventy years would be gone. For another, though – terrible dreams. About the war, or the crash, or-” Bucky. He couldn’t quite say that yet.

He didn’t look sideways to check Loki’s face, just waited. “I suspect there is a point to this story,” Loki said, after a few moments, his tone dry, but Steve thought there was wariness in there too. “Do you expect me to confess all my secret fears to you?” 

“No,” Steve said, and kept himself from saying _though I wish you would, at least to someone._ “I just…wanted you to know that it’s not necessarily a weakness.”

“Or else a weakness that you share.” Loki’s voice was sharp, but Steve refused to let that bother him. This was one thing he wasn’t going to be ashamed of. 

“Or else that.” 

“I have always been a restless sleeper,” Loki said, after a long silence. “I never rested easily. This is not new, for me.” His shoulders twitched in something like a shrug. “I suppose some things never change.” There was a flicker of a complicated emotion in his gaze for a moment that Steve couldn’t quite pin down.

“And sometimes things – or people - do,” Steve said. The sidelong look Loki cast him was almost, but not quite, amused. 

“I suppose so.” Loki reclined back, just as Steve was beginning to worry about the pallor of his features. He still seemed tense, on edge, but it was masked, veiled. “Or at least, you would have it so.” 

Steve paused. Things seemed to be going well, and he was wary of ruining it, but… “If you ever wanted to talk to anyone,” Steve said carefully. “About whatever it is you…” Loki made a strange coughing sound.

“Kind. But I think not. I should not want to horrify you with the perverse workings of my mind.” He smiled, a little too wide and full of teeth.

“The offer stands,” Steve said stubbornly. “If you ever want it.”

Loki gave him an odd look that turned slowly toward thoughtful. “I will remember that.” 

“Good,” Steve said. 

Another silence, this one longer than the last. Loki’s eyes turned upward, staring apparently at nothing. Then, “do you ever dream of falling, Captain?” 

The sea coming up fast to meet him. Peggy’s voice in his ear. Steve swallowed. “Sometimes.” 

“Imagine that,” Loki said to the ceiling, “but it never ends. You can see nothing, only endless black, so dark you begin to forget what it was to see. And it goes on. On and on, until everything starts to fade and you begin to think that this endless darkness might be all there ever was, and all the rest just an illusion crafted to keep yourself from going mad. You forget you have skin, forget that there is a boundary between you and the dark, and it crawls under your skin until nothing is real but the fall and the darkness, and there is no _self_ anymore, only those two constants.” 

Steve held very still, not daring to speak. He felt a crawling sense of horror, the hair on the back of his neck standing up. 

“And when it ends,” Loki said, his voice almost inaudible. “When it ends, and another living being touches you – you are grateful for the pain. Because it is a feeling, and it makes you real once again.”

Steve shifted in his chair and clasped his hands together so he didn’t make some kind of unwanted gesture. “Is that…” _what happened to you?_ He wanted to ask, but trailed off. Loki shook himself, then, and the smile he offered was tight and false. 

“Don’t look so appalled, Captain. I’m hardly so fragile a creature.” 

Steve tried to control his expression. “It sounds awful.” Loki glanced away. 

“And yet I survived.” His voice was casual, almost flippant. “That _is_ what I do.”

 _So far,_ Steve couldn’t help but think. Or, _you came close this time._ But he didn’t say either, just looked at Loki for a long few moments and then said, “What used to help? You sleep, I mean. When you were younger.” 

Loki’s face closed off in moments, any trace of openness or relaxation evaporating. “Come now. Don’t pry.” 

Steve half opened his mouth to say that he was pretty sure once you’d put your tongue in someone’s mouth you couldn’t really accuse them of prying for asking a simple question. He thought better of it, though the frustration remained. Talking with Loki was always like talking in circles, and it just seemed like they never _got_ anywhere. Loki was watching him through half-lidded eyes. 

“You’re frustrated,” he said, after a moment, eyebrows pulling slightly together. 

“Yes,” Steve said plainly. “It was just a question. I told you, I want to help.” Loki’s eyes flicked away from his face to the ceiling again. 

“Some things you cannot help, Captain.” There was a different note to his voice, a touch of resignation, or maybe tiredness, but it was gone in the next words. “No matter how valiantly you may try. Your effort commends you, and I shan’t forget that.” 

“I don’t necessarily believe that. I mean – that there’s nothing I can do.” _My effort,_ Steve thought. _Hasn’t been enough yet._ But that was unfair, maybe. It had gotten them – had gotten _Loki_ this far. If he could just keep him here long enough that he would have to see that things could be different- 

Loki’s eyes narrowed. “And now I must ask – what are you thinking?” 

“You don’t know?” Steve blurted out. Loki’s mouth turned down faintly at the corners. 

“No. I do not read thoughts, Captain, only body language.” 

“I’m just thinking,” Steve said after a moment’s pause, “that I hope it’ll be good for you to be here. I mean, safe, but also…everything you’ve told me about how you can only be a certain way – I want to prove you wrong. I want you to give me the chance to do that.” 

Curiously, Loki tensed, his gaze flickering. “I am not you, Captain. You cannot craft me in your image. I will never be virtuous.” 

“Is that all there is?” Steve said. “Virtuous or villainous? Isn’t there an in between? Can’t you be that?” 

A hesitation. So, so brief, but it was still a hesitation, and Steve saw it and caught it and grabbed onto it. “No.” 

Steve did move, then, reached out to turn Loki’s face more toward him. “Why not?” His skin was as startlingly cool as Steve remembered, bruising over his jaw still marring the clean lines that would be a joy to draw. Loki didn’t resist him, though Steve felt him twitch the moment he made contact. 

For a moment, he could almost see it. See him hovering on the edge. Considering. He wanted to lean in and kiss Loki, gently, try to show him a different way than words that it was worth it to try, that he _wanted_ him to try.

“Pardon me, Captain Rogers,” said JARVIS’s polite voice, and Steve almost swore aloud as Loki blinked and the moment was gone. Was this _always_ how it was going to be?

“What,” Steve said, not quite able to keep the irritation out of his voice. 

“My apologies for the interruption, sir, but I’m afraid Mr. Stark would like to speak with you. Urgentl-” JARVIS’s voice cut off, replaced by Tony’s, rapid and tense. 

“Cap, we’ve got a problem.” Out of the corner of his eye, Steve saw Loki tense. He kept himself still, steady. A problem. Great. Steve rubbed his face and tried not to feel resentful. 

“What’s the problem?” 

“Can you come up here? I’d rather not- shit, hold on.” The line didn’t close, and a second voice, warped by metal, came over the line. Familiar. And unmistakable. 

“Is something the matter?” Steve jerked upright, vague feelings of annoyance evaporating to be replaced with dread. _Doom. Oh, no._

Loki’s breath sucked through his teeth in a hiss and he jerked, eyes going slightly wild as he shoved himself up again. “He’s _here?_ ”

“Stay down,” Steve said sharply, to no response. Loki’s breathing had picked up, and Steve could see him trying to hide it, but that was fear in the back of his eyes. “I’ll handle this.” 

“Don’t be a fool,” Loki snarled. “If he thinks you are hiding me-” 

“I’ll _handle_ this,” Steve said, more firmly. Loki was still trying to get up, and if there was no new blood staining through the gauze yet his expression was tight with pain. Steve strode over and pushed his shoulders back down, thoughtlessly. Loki’s body went rigid under his hands at once, expression flashing indignance, and Steve let go and stepped back quickly. “I can manage Doom, Loki. I’ve done it before.” 

Loki’s expression flickered through several emotions too quickly to catch. “And if he threatens your people?”

Steve felt himself tense. What if he did? Doom could cause a lot of damage. They could get hurt. Or civilians could get put in danger, or… he controlled his face. _I’m not handing Loki over. Not to that lunatic._

_And if the others overrule you?_

He could feel Loki’s eyes on him, intent and intense. He shook his head sharply. “Just stay here,” he said, and his voice sounded a little harsh to his own ears. “Just stay here. I’ve got it. It’ll be fine.”

Loki didn’t answer as Steve strode for the door. Steve told himself that was a good sign.

* * *

Steve went up to the lobby as directed by JARVIS. Tony was already there – none of the others, though Steve would guess that Clint and Natasha were somewhere nearby, at least. Doom was wearing his armor, as ever, green cape sweeping the floor. Steve took his time crossing the floor, trying to gauge the situation. 

“You’re lucky, Thor’s not here,” Tony said lightly, radiating tension from where he was leaning against the counter. “Hear he wants a word with you. Probably several. Using that big hammer of his.” Doom remained impassive.

“Doom has come to have a reasonable conversation, not to exchange threats.” Doom’s voice had a strange resonance to it, a booming even when he was speaking at a relatively normal level. “Whatever our…disagreements, I expect a modicum of respect.”

Steve felt a low clench of anger in his gut. It wasn’t right, he thought, that Loki could be lying almost helpless in chains after _helping_ them, and Doom could walk freely with impunity, and there was nothing he could do. He straightened his spine and stepped out. “What do you want?” he asked bluntly. 

Doom turned. “Steve Rogers,” he said. “Greetings. Your abruptness is understandable, but not warranted. I offer no threat, and I believe a bargain may be made between us that is mutually beneficial.” 

Steve crossed his arms. “That so. What kind of bargain?” 

“I believe you have in your care – mistakenly, of course – a fugitive from lawful justice. The villain Loki has come to you in the belief that you will fall for his lies. I ask that he be returned to me for the administration of justice.” 

_Justice,_ Steve thought. _Right._ “What did he do?” Tony interjected before Steve could speak up. 

“Attempted to undermine my rule,” Doom said. “To create chaos in Latveria and place himself in power.” The metal mask with its lack of expression was eerie to look at. “Thus I hope you will recognize my right to deal with such a threat to my sovereignty, and an enemy of your band.”

Steve set his feet. _I am a prize_ , he thought of Loki saying. _My body, for him, is a chest full of secrets if he can only find where to carve it from._ “No,” he said, flatly, stomach turning a little. 

“No?” Despite the question, Doom didn’t sound too surprised. “I see the creature has already told you another story, and turned your minds with his lies.”

Steve crossed his arms and held himself still. “ _Loki_ ,” he emphasized the name, just slightly, “isn’t one of your citizens, Mr. Doom. Based on his actions on U.S. territory, we have the right to custody.” He glanced at Tony, but Tony just looked faintly annoyed and was fidgeting with the bracelets around his wrists that Steve knew linked to one of his suits. “A claim that precedes yours, in fact.” 

“Doom had hoped that you would honor a simple request.” Doom’s voice didn’t alter. “However, if you insist…first, of course, there is the matter of diplomatic relations.The situation has been…difficult, of course, but I would be willing to discuss provisional measures to resolve those difficulties.” Steve kept his face impassive. “Furthermore, I happen to know the location of five of SHIELD’s most dangerous super-powered criminals, and would be pleased to deliver them into your care.”

“You do know that one of those is you, right?” Tony pointed out. Doom glanced at him very briefly. 

“An unfortunate oversight.”

Tony rocked back on his heels. “You’re really panting to get your mitts on tall, dark and crazy, aren’t you? I don’t know why you’d want to, honestly, seems like if he’s just been trouble for you you’d be happy to have him out of your hands.”

“None escape Doom’s justice,” Doom said, sounding faintly irritated. 

“None escape Doom’s medieval torture chamber either,” Tony said, glibly. “Cept, oops-”

“Tony,” Steve said, warningly, keeping his eyes on Doom, looking for a movement to attack. He wished he could see the expression behind that mask. “I’m not willing to make that negotiation. Loki stays with us.” 

“Surely you are not so foolish as to think that whatever he has told you is the truth.” The faint note of irritation had intensified. “And surely you have not forgotten already the havoc that he caused. I would rid you of a dangerous enemy and offer a valuable bargain in return.” 

“No,” Steve said again, staunchly. He could feel himself almost vibrating, waiting for the objection he felt sure was going to come. “I’m not going to turn Loki over to you.” 

“You risk incurring Doom’s wrath, Captain, by your lack of cooperation.” Doom’s voice thrummed, and Steve thought he could hear a touch of power in it, but all he could think was that it was a pale imitation of Loki doing the same thing. “For the sake of your enemy, you would endanger those for whom you are responsible.”

Steve drew himself up. “Are you threatening me?” 

“Not yet.” Doom’s eyes were locked on his. Steve did not break them. “You are being manipulated. You cannot see it, perhaps, but I can.”

“No,” Steve said again. “It is still my answer. I don’t condone what you did. It wouldn’t matter who it was. Loki came to us for sanctuary, and we’ve chosen to grant it.” 

“You are silent, Mr. Stark.” Doom turned his head slowly, and looked in Tony’s direction. “Does the Captain speak for all the Avengers?” 

Tony paused, looking like he was thinking about that, and then shrugged with one of those frustrating grins of his. “Yeah, most of the time.”

“And this time?” Doom said, his voice hardening. “Do you feel the same? Are you also willing to throw away my offer for the sake of such a slippery creature? He will betray you at first opportunity. Is that a risk you are willing to take?”

“Good question. Do I feel the same?” For a breathless moment, he thought Tony would say something, would make a different call and contradict him, but after a bare second his friend shrugged one shoulder. "I'll follow Cap's lead in this. So will the rest of us. Besides, if he's such a danger to you, maybe it's best we keep an eye on him far away from Latveria anyway, huh?"

"You choose poorly," Doom said, after a moment. "Do not think Doom shall forget it. I do not take the spurning of such generous offers lightly, and shall not offer such favorable terms again." He turned around in a swirl of cape.

"Leaving already?" Tony said lightly. "Thor'll probably be back any minute and I wasn't kidding about-"

"Tony," Steve said quietly, even if he was tempted not to. Almost hoped he might get a chance to take out something on the guy. Doom stalked out without a word, though, apparently not deeming that worthy of a response. Steve stared after him, frowning.

"Huh," said Tony. "Whatever my feelings on the Loki situation - can't say that wasn't fun."

Steve shook his head slightly, but he was mostly relieved that Doom hadn't tried to force the issue. "Thanks," he said, after a moment. "For backing my play. I know you don't think it's smart."

"Glass houses, Cap," Tony said. "If anyone specializes in doing dumb shit around here...mine just hasn't included adopting a supervillain yet, I'm pretty sure that's a you thing. Also your sad face is truly tragic." Steve gave him a weak smile. "And hey, who knows, maybe you're right. If anyone could turn someone good with the Power of Love, it’d probably be you. Real life Care Bear Steve Rogers."

"Thanks," Steve repeated. He felt a cautious little bloom of optimism, just for a moment, before he quickly suppressed it. Maybe this crazy thing was going to work out. Doom had backed off, and if he did try to use force that would be plenty of cause for a firmer denial. At least they had some time. Maybe... _Don't get too excited._ "I should..." he made a vague gesture. Tony looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, yeah, go tell your boyfriend the good news. I'm gonna go call Thor and let him know he missed out on a chance to redecorate my floor with Doctor Doom's face..."

"Tony," Steve said, slightly reproachfully, but he just waved a hand without looking around.

Steve took a deep breath and headed for the elevator. He took it down to the containment floor, wondering if maybe - if they could figure something out so Loki could have an actual room, with a view of outside, or at least windows. Something more comfortable than the cool cells downstairs. He'd like that, probably. And maybe this would be reassurance, finally, that Steve wasn't just going to change his mind the first time something came up.

He knew, almost at once as he stepped out of the elevator, that something was wrong. Something just _felt..._ "Loki?" he called, to no answer. He picked up his pace, walked quickly down the hallway. If Doom had somehow gotten one of his bots down here while they were talking-

He looked into the room, heart pounding, and couldn't see Loki. He opened the door in a rush, hoping maybe he'd just moved out of sight, into the bathroom, maybe, but his heart was already sinking.

There was no sign of a struggle, though. A few spots of blood but nothing else disturbed, and the metal bands lay neatly arranged and undamaged on the bedspread.

 _You idiot,_ he thought, picking one up, and wasn't sure if he meant himself or Loki. _Why did you leave him alone? Of course he bolted. He hardly thinks he can trust you, let alone anyone else. He heard Doom was here and assumed..._

But he couldn't pretend that didn't sting. Maybe he'd never intended to stay at all.

Yet even if he hadn't...Loki could still barely stand. He'd only started to heal, was still hopelessly weak. How long could he evade Doom like that? If Doom had found him here, what was to keep him from finding him somewhere else? Loki had to know that. And yet he'd still run. Again.

 _You're going to die out there,_ he thought angrily. _And it's just such a waste. I know you could do better. Be better. And I wanted..._

_I wanted a chance to know you._

He looked at the metal bands on the bed again. Loki probably could have taken them off at any time, then. But he hadn’t. Loki was a survivor, Steve told himself. He’d be fine. 

Wherever he was, he’d be fine.

* * *

Time passed. Again, silence. Like before, not a word, not a whisper, not even a little scrap of magic.

Steve didn’t know how to feel. He was angry for a while, that Loki could just take off like that, could have so little faith that he would think…but that seemed unfair too. Loki hadn’t promised anything. He had a right to protect himself. 

Mostly, Steve decided, he felt tired. And disappointed. He didn’t think Loki was going to cause them trouble anymore, but _…it never lasts long, does it?_ he remembered Loki saying, and wanted to sigh. _Maybe if you gave it a chance to last._

Too late for that now, he thought, and tried not to let it hurt too much.

As for the others…Tony was mostly indignant that his “ingenious invention” hadn’t performed as planned. Clint seemed faintly relieved, though he tried not to show it. Natasha and Bruce were both quiet on the subject, though Steve caught Bruce giving him speculative, worried looks. 

Telling Thor was the worst part. He was quiet for a long time, and there was an ominous rumble of thunder in the distance, and then he simply said, “He will come back.” 

Steve closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Thor…I’m not sure. He barely trusted me to begin with, if he ever did at all.” That still hurt to admit to himself, but he made himself keep going. “He didn’t promise anything.”

“I am sure of it,” Thor said, solidly. “He has always been cautious – perhaps overcautious. Whyever he fled…and it occurs to me that perhaps he thought it was better for you both…I do not think he will stay away.” He paused, just for a moment. 

_If he even_ wants _to come back,_ Steve thought. _Or can. Unless Doom catches up to him first._

“If you will excuse me, however,” Thor said, after a moment, “I have a mortal sorcerer to chasten.” 

Probably, Steve thought, he should stop that. Tell Thor to stand down. He didn’t. Whatever Loki had or hadn’t meant…

He retreated back to his room with a sigh. 

Loki was sitting crosslegged on his bed, expression unreadable. He looked too thin and tired and pale, but unmistakably alive. The first thing he felt was a flash of relief. 

The second was anger. 

He closed the door, not quite slamming it. “What do you think you’re doing?” he snapped. Loki’s eyes widened just fractionally before relaxing, his eyebrows a delicate arch.

“I admit I wasn’t expecting a welcome.” 

“You can’t just take off like that!” Steve’s voice rose. “I told the others you wouldn’t. You said you were done. And at the first sign of trouble-”

“You expected me to lie back and wait patiently for the inevitable ultimatum between my safety and whatever Doom chose to tempt you with?” Loki’s voice sharpened. “And even if you were unwilling to make that choice…”

“I told you I would handle it,” Steve said indignantly. Loki tossed his head back. 

“I didn’t believe you.” 

“I _did_ handle it,” Steve said, frustrated anger almost choking him. “Because I had a deal with you. And I was going to keep it.”

“I’ve made you no promises,” Loki snapped, unfolding from where he was sitting and rising to his feet, head held high. “I never have.” 

Steve stared at him for a moment. He was tired, suddenly. Tired turning quickly into anger. “No,” he said flatly. “You haven’t. I’ve given you chance after chance after chance, and you just keep – I’ve taken the risk of trusting _you._ Why can’t you take the risk of trusting _me,_ just for _five_ minutes-”

“I never asked for your trust,” Loki said. “I did not claim to want you to trust me-”

“No,” Steve said. “Anything but. God forbid I think anything but the worst of you so you can go and prove me right. But you know what, I thought, I _really_ thought this time we might be getting somewhere, that you might finally be listening to what I was saying and you might finally be making the right call.”

“ _Your_ ‘right call.’ Not mine.” 

“Don’t give me that,” Steve said fiercely. “Don’t pretend you don’t know. I’ve never forced you into anything. Don’t act like it was my idea-”

“Isn’t it?” Loki’s voice was sharp as a razor. “Your idea of how to _fix_ me, Captain. Not mine. Your idea of what is best, how I might be _rehabilitated_ and _redeemed._ ”

“It’s not – quit twisting my words,” Steve said. Though it was true, wasn’t it? It had been his idea. _Who are you to decide you know best what’s right for him, for anyone?_ He pushed the thought away. This wasn’t about that. “This was for _your_ sake. _Your_ protection. Not mine.”

“Then why so indignant at my departure?” Loki’s eyes bored into his. “If the arrangement was for my good – why should I not terminate it when I see fit?” 

“Because we had an agreement,” Steve said, frustration intensifying. “Because you made me break my word-”

“You told me nothing of that,” Loki interrupted. Steve shook his head. 

“I thought-” Steve cut off, shook his head. “I – _we_ took you in because you needed help. Is it really so hard to understand that?”

“Ah, yes. Because you _care._ ” His voice was brutally mocking. Steve almost jerked back, stung. “Not to soothe your guilty conscience? See to it that your problem was safely secured until he might be dealt with?” 

“Would you rather end up with Doom again? Or the Chitauri?” Steve asked bluntly, not quite cruel.

The briefest flicker was visible in Loki’s eyes. Fear, dread, uncertainty. “I will not. I can fend for myself.” 

He took a jerky step forward. “Is that what you want?” Steve demanded, voice rising. “Really? To just keep running, barely ahead of your enemies?”

Loki’s shoulders tightened. “I don’t have to run. I can kill them.”

“All of them?” Steve kept his voice even, forced it not to be desperate. “All at the same time, before one of them can catch you unawares, or even just wear you down enough? You’ve got a lot of enemies. Sooner or later they’ll start teaming up, and even you can’t fight the whole universe, Loki.”

“Watch me.” 

“I already have.” Steve could hear the harshness slipping into his voice, and didn’t try to rein it in. “I’ve seen you try to do everything on your own, and it doesn’t seem to be working for you. And what about your long term plans, huh? What’s all this _for?_ ”

“That’s my business, not yours.” Loki’s voice was tight. Steve took a step toward him, feet planted. 

“I think you’re scared,” Steve said lowly. “I think you’re scared to admit to maybe wanting a change. Wanting something else.” Loki’s lips peeled back from his teeth. 

“You would dare-” 

“You’re tired,” Steve pushed on. “You’re tired, you’re lonely, and you don’t want to admit to wanting something. What was it you said? _‘I would have you.’_ ” He flung out his arms. “Well, here I am. There’s nothing in your way but you.” Loki looked strung tight, his eyes wide and wild. Steve didn’t budge. “You keep coming back. So just…stay.”

Loki made a low noise that wasn’t quite a snarl. “I am not some tame creature to be – called to heel.” 

“No,” Steve said. “You’re a person. Which means this is your choice.” _Please,_ he wanted to say. “You can’t keep dancing on the line like this.” He swallowed, and drew himself up. “If you go now…that’s it from me. I’m not going to play this game anymore. Either you show me you’re serious, or I’m – done.” Silence. Loki’s eyes were slightly wide, expression one of faint surprise. Steve took a deep breath. “I mean it. I’ve given you a chance. Now it’s your turn to take it.”

He could hear Loki’s breathing, shallow and slightly quickened. After a moment, his face twisted into a sneer, but it looked slightly too deliberate. “Take what? Your offer of a kind cage? What makes you think I would want it?” 

“I think you’ve spent so much time deciding what you don’t want,” Steve said, “that you don’t always know anymore what you _do._ ” Loki twitched. Steve caught his hands flexing out of the corner of his eye, opening and closing, opening and closing, and let his gaze bore into Loki’s. “You’ve got options. Are you going to take them? Or are you just going to keep telling yourself you can’t make choices, that you’re stuck, ignore an escape route because you’re worried it won’t work?”

Loki’s teeth bared again. “Don’t try to goad me, Captain.” 

“I’m not,” Steve said. “I’m telling you what I see. As far as I can tell, I’m telling you the truth.”

He could see Loki wavering and kept his expression blank. After a moment Loki scoffed. “Your Avengers will never agree,” Loki said. Steve kept his gaze solid, unmoving. 

“They will if I ask them.” 

“And _would_ you?” It was half genuine question, half mockery. “Would you risk your good name again, for such as me?”

“I don’t know,” Steve said, holding himself rigidly still. “That’s up to you. I will if you will. Your call.” 

Loki looked at him, quiet, very still. His face was impossible to read. “I have a debt to you,” he said, after a long moment. “Of my life, three times over. Is this…what you would ask of me?” 

_That’s a call you have to make,_ Steve was about to say, _I’m not going to choose it for you,_ but he caught something in Loki’s eyes, just for a moment. Almost desperation, or a plea. For once, he thought he could read that expression perfectly. _Give me a reason. An excuse._

“Yes,” he said, finally. His voice came out hoarse and Steve cleared his throat. “Yes. It is,” and Loki’s shoulders dropped, barely perceptibly. 

“Then I will stay,” Loki said, after a moment. “And I submit myself to your judgment.” There was an air of slight formality to the words, though Loki’s gaze, after a brief glance away, was direct. 

“Swear it,” Steve said, on an impulse. “Swear you’re going to stay.” He wanted to push for more, wanted to say _swear you’ll change, that you won’t just go right back to where you were when the danger’s gone._ But he kept that back. Not now. 

Loki looked at him for a long moment, and then took the slight step forward. His hands came up and whispered on either side of his face, not quite touching, then fell away. “I swear it,” Loki said. There was something strange in his eyes, but his voice was solemn. “By Yggdrasil itself, and may the world end ere I be forsworn.” 

Steve remembered those words. Remembered the mocking little bow that had accompanied them the first time. “I didn’t need that much,” Steve said quietly. 

“I would not ask you to believe less, Steve Rogers.” Loki’s eyes were dark and quiet. He leaned in, after a hesitation, and kissed Steve lightly on the lips. Steve didn’t pull away, though he suspected that he ought to. He did take a step back when Loki pulled away, though, and gestured at the door, even if for the space of a breath he wanted to grab onto Loki’s clothes and hold him there. He couldn’t. Not now. 

“I need to go tell…”

“Go ahead,” Loki said, and sat back down on the edge of Steve’s bed. The slightest of smiles touched the corner of his mouth. “I’ll wait.”

Whatever else was or wasn’t, Steve thought, that, at least, was the truth.


End file.
